It's time for a long overdue update. I am not sure where to begin or where to end. My mind swirls with thoughts from time to time, and others it is life as normal. Here goes -- for now anyway...
TGIF...Thank God it's Friday. Well, kind of. I am excited to greet the weekend, so I can play with my husband, O and Cookie. There's nothing like a good 'ol family weekend filled with basketball, errands, naps, and all around quality family time. It's a little bittersweet this Friday, because on Monday, it's back to work for me after a five week break. "Break." Ha. Isn't that ironic. My mind is quickly erasing the hell that has occurred over the last seven months, probably because in the midst of hell was a big slice of Heaven. Time. Time to heal. Time to play. Time to think. Time to organize. Time to clear things off the to-do list. Quiet time. Busy time. Me time. Family time. Precious time...
We had the most amazing holiday break. And, on Monday, January 4, it was back to reality. The kids went back to school. My husband went back to work, and Satchel and I returned to CW for my fourth and final chemo. There was a part of me that was excited to get it done and be over it once and for all. And, there was another part of me that dug my heels in the sand, dreading it, because at this point I knew good and well what a date with the red devil meant. Or did I?
Satchel came to pick me up, and off to CW we went. As we walked in to the infusion ward, it was filled with sickly older people, and quite a few young'uns like me. That is always strange. We just don't fit in there...but as I am learning, being in your thirties with cancer is no longer an anomaly. At this point, Satchel and I know the nursing staff well, and they all greeted us with smiles, knowing that we'd be up to our cheerful antics. My counts were really low, so they had to do another CBC to make sure that my nearly null white blood cell count was high enough to endure chemo. And, by the grace of God, it was. As she accessed my port, I said, "Wait one minute..." and I looked at Satchel. "You know what time it is." And as any dutiful BFF would, she got up out of her comfy chair and did her ritual shuffle-tap-step. I got a few extra shuffles and taps. And smiles appeared on the many sickly faces that filled the infusion ward. "OK, we can start now." The nurse just laughed and the infusion began. There was an adrenaline rush that day, and for some reason, as the red devil filled my body, we just talked, laughed, snapped a few pictures, and went about our business. A few of the nurses who have gotten to know us over the last 18 months came by to say hello. Before we knew it, 1.5 hours later, my nurse said, "You're done. Sit tight, I'll be right back." A few minutes later, the nurses came out with a paper ribbon, a paper crown, and a Certificate of Completion of Chemotherapy that was signed with loving notes from all of the nursing staff. Satchel put on the crown, I put on the medal, and we hugged everyone and waved as we left. It was more like a paparazzi farewell than a patient leaving a chemo ward. As we left, I got a bonus shuffle-tap-step Satchel. See ya CW.
Off we went to a celebratory lunch at one of our favorite spots, and then it was time hug good-bye and part ways to greet our kids off the bus. I was all smiles, and had a sense of relief, accomplishment, and peace. One of my great friends took O for another 5-hour play date, and off I went to bed. I suddenly went from giddy and excited to tired and queasy. Before I knew it, I had a wave of fatigue and nausea that I have never had before. Ever. For the next four days, all I did was sleep, eat bagels, drink lemonade Vitamin Water, pop pills, and did I mention sleep? And there were a few tears. I have never felt this horrible, and I never ever want to feel that bad ever again. This was the first cycle where I didn't have anything to get up for. No parties. No Thanksgiving. No Christmas. My poor body was like, "Finally, girl...let me rest!" It was clear to me that it was by the grace of God that I made it through this chemo regimen without a sniffle, without missing a single holiday, play date, dinner date, school function, etc. But, it was finally time to rest. I could not talk on the phone. I could not get on the computer. I couldn't really watch TV. All I needed was a quiet house, a comfortable bed, and...did I mention bagels? Scrambled eggs and cheese on a toasted everything bagel with a plop of ketchup. Wow, am I in college? Classic hangover food!
There is no way I could have made it through that week, or the last 7 months, without my family and friends. Between meals, rides, childcare, hugs, messages, cards, emails, etc. After a solid work week of rest, I started feeling better. My body is still achy. I am not sure how I got in daily 1-2 hour workouts before. But this week, I dusted off a gift certificate I've had and got a wonderful full body massage. And, I used one of my sessions at the gym to have a one-on-one stretching/yoga session with my trainer. Slowly, I'm feeling like me. I do not have my taste buds back. Last night at dinner with my ladies I did not have the wine. The good news is the kier royale tasted delightful! Probably a good thing wine doesn't taste good, because I do not need to be drinking right now!
I have had a great week filled with lunches, coffee dates, and phone calls with my friends, and good quality time with my family. I am hoping that when I get back to work next week, I remember how to do my job! I have a final check up with my Oncologist, and then I won't have to go back to CW for six months. Hallelujah!
Last year when I finished, I was happy but was never at peace. I always felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Which it did. But now, after another surgery, 35 radiation sessions, and 4 more rounds of chemo, I am at peace. I feel in my heart that this cancer chapter will be closed. It will always be with me. And it has shaped who I am as a person. I have met people along the way that have changed my life, and I believe in my heart that I have changed the lives of people I have met along the way.
I believe I have earned the title of cancer survivor. That is hard to say out loud, and it is hard to believe that I had cancer, twice, and I will forever be a cancer patient. My family and friends are survivors, too. There is no doubt in my mind how much I am loved. I can't imagine how hard it must be to watch your wife, mom, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, sister-in-law, niece, friend, co-worker go through all of this crap...not just once but twice in an eighteen month period. But in the end, we all have new perspective on life, love, friendship, motherhood. I think it helps us all put life in perspective. And, hopefully it will help us all live lives that are filled with thanks, love, and happiness. You never know what each day will bring, but every day is a gift. And every day with those you love is a Great Day. Thank you to everyone who was by my side for this journey. If you are reading this, you know who you are. I do not take any of you for granted, and feel so blessed to have you in my life.
Seven months ago, I had a fresh new scar on my right breast. Now, that scar has faded and you can barely see it. I know it's there, but I don't think about it much. Three months ago, my right breast had massive burns and blisters on it. Now, the skin has healed and it is as perfect as ever. I read about my days on the radiation table, and they seem like a distant memory...one I don't think about much anymore. But hair. Oh the hair. Coming from a hair ball, who spent most of her life with a head full of long, thick locks, this has been very difficult. Days when I have my wigs on, I feel like my old self. Days I look in the mirror bald, I think, "Wow, who on Earth is that in the mirror." But, I'm ready for it to grow back. And while I am not looking forward to the dreaded grow-out that is so indescribably icky, I'm so thankful that it will grow back (despite my recent nightmares that it didn't), and I'm thankful that hopefully the red devil that killed my hair cells have zapped any bad cell that may have been floating around. Life is way more important than hair. But, man, have I mentioned how much I miss mine?!
Right before I started chemo, I had coffee with one of my young survivor friends. She planned a trip to Paris with one of her girlfriends. That got me thinking, "I have always wanted to go to Paris." With two young kids, the dream trip of a ten-day European vacation is just a dream. But, my husband and I take weekend trips. Why not do a long weekend in Paris? When you are traveling without kids, a 7.5 hour red-eye direct flight to Paris seems like a great idea! For our 9th wedding anniversary, I was in the midst of chemo and had just cut off 14 inches of hair. For my 10th wedding anniversary, I was in the midst of radiation and we went to Disney with the kids. And now, for our 11th anniversary, we are going to Paris for a long weekend. I can't wait! The Eiffel Tower. The Arc de Triomphe. Visiting the Mona Lisa at The Lourve. A boat ride down the Siene River. Sipping coffee in a cafe. Sharing a bottle of red wine with some bread and fromage. Sounds like a good idea to me! October in Paris. Now that is something to look forward to!
You have been given a great gift. Congratulations!
ReplyDeletel'chaim and mazel tov!
ReplyDeleteYou did it....now onward and upward
ReplyDelete