Show and Tell...

One silver lining of breast cancer is the amazing, strong friendships I've made with fellow young breast cancer survivors. Words can't adequately explain the bond and connection that tie us together. Some I see often, and a few I have only met in person few times, but at any given moment we are all a phone call, text, or email away. There is little small talk and limited day-to-day interaction...just deep dives in to all of the craziness that pops in to our heads. It is a circle of strength...a circle of listening, venting, trust, honesty. Truly unconventional, unconditional friendships.

There are two young women that I wanted to see before the fun begins next week. With hectic schedules, the only time we could get together was early Saturday morning at Starbucks. I was hoping the timing would work out that my two friends could meet, but since that didn't work out I staggered the visits. The first date was with a woman who just finished chemo and is halfway through radiation. We had a wonderful visit. A few months ago, I inspired her, and she found strength from my experience. Now, months later, I was inspired by her strength. Her chic scarf, hat and accessories coupled with her beautiful make up reminded me that bald can be beautiful. That the face of a cancer patient can be beautiful and full of life even without hair, eyebrows or eyelashes. My advice months ago helped her along her journey, and now, she added to that offering lessons learned from her journey. Our visit was short but powerful. She is so beautiful from the inside out.

As she left, my other friend came to meet me. We sat outside and talked forever as our carefully blown out, coiffed hair curled in the warm autumn breeze. She finished treatment six months before I did last year, and she continues to be a source of laughter and inspiration. Our personalities have a lot of similarities, and it is nice and reassuring that you are not alone in your thoughts and experiences. We both have had numerous surgeries, and phenomenal surgeons. Before we knew it, we went in to the Starbucks bathroom for a little show and tell. We lifted our shirts, revealed our reconstructed breasts and compared scars. There are very few people that have seen "the girls" this up close and personal, but for some reason when you are with other women who have had the same surgery, you want to know how yours compare. And you know there is no judgment and nothing to be shy about. I teased that's it's too bad my other friend couldn't stay because I know she would have been right in there with us for the bi-lateral show and tell! We have all had different roads in the journey of breast cancer with our own fair share of bumps along the way, but the similarities offer strength, confidence, and laughter. After 3.5 hours in Starbucks, I was so fulfilled. I really need to get them all together, because they are all such amazing women, and I know together as a group we'd have a lot of fun! They are all divine earth angels that I am so grateful for.

My body has healed well from radiation. The skin that was seriously burned is looking better every day, and I have been full of energy. We have enjoyed good quality time at home with family and friends, and life has been incredibly and wonderfully normal. The denial of what lies ahead is coming to an end as the November 2 date at CW draws closer with each passing day.

This morning my husband and I left the house at 6:45am to head to the hospital for my port placement. As we ventured to the Interventional Radiology department in the basement, it suddenly occured to me that this is all really happening. As they hunted for a vein and resorted to a baby butterfly needle for the IV, I was reassured that getting another port was a necessity for my chemo. The staff was great and I was in good spirits, until I had to say good-bye to my husband. Tears rolled down my cheek as he kissed me good-bye and they wheeled me down the hall. A very handsome tech was there to greet me. "Why are you crying?" Really? Do you need to ask?! Before I knew it, he had me laughing. Then I had to chime in. He said, "Now, I will have to remove your gown and tape your breast." I said, "I just had 35 rounds of radiation. I am not shy about my breasts. I'm just warning you that they are all implant and incredibly perky, so not sure how the tape will help." Needless to say I got a laugh out of everyone in the room. The ice was broken and I drifted in to twilight sedation.

The port is much smaller this time around. I have two more scars to add to the list. I have vowed to be a good patient, and have stayed in bed today. I drifted in and out between work, conference calls, naps, emails and calls from loved ones, and rest. My sister, mom and husband have held down the fort with the kids and taking care of me. It is not often that I let myself rest, but today I decided it was time to take time to heal.

I've realized that I'm not ready to not feel well, but each day that goes by is one day closer to being done with all of this. My kids were so gentle and loving, and my husband is taking care of us all tonight. A week from now we'll start chemo, and will be 11 weeks away from putting cancer behind us.

My friend wrote me the most beautiful letter, and I want to share this thought with you tonight...

"The only courage that matters is the one that gets you from one moment to the next."

Amen.

35 Radiation Treatments...Check.

I have gotten a lot of use out of my compression sleeve and glove in the last month. As we prepared to take off for Austin, I slipped off my cardigan and slid on my "arm girdle." On my last flight, the woman next to me felt the need to discuss the sleeve, and also came to the conclusion that the silver fillings in my mouth were giving me heavy metal toxicity and that could be the cause of my cancer. Needless to say I have had lengthy discussions with my dentist and my pediatric dentist, both with a mouthful of silver fillings, who assured me that there are such minor traces of mercury in the fillings, and taking them out would cause more harm than good at this point. Lovely.

We had a wonderful time kickin' up our heels Texas style. The wedding and cowboy fiesta were a blast, and it was fun to hang out with friends and experience all the wonderful things Austin has to offer. The BBQ and TexMex cuisine were delicious, and the shopping and night life were fabulous. We also had some good relaxing down time, which is just what the doctor ordered. It sure is a lot of fun to have a lot of fun!

As nice as it is to get away, it's good to come home too, especially when you have two little smiling faces who greet you with big hugs! We are truly blessed to have our families close by to help with the kids and everything else. They mean the world to us, and our kids have had a ball! They are blissfully unaware of what's going on.

Monday morning it was time to make thank you notes and gather trick or treat packages for the staff at RW. For over 7 weeks, every day I trekked to the hospital to have my 15 minute daily dose of radiation. While the actual process was painless, the daily routine was exhausting both mentally and physically. I'm not sure anyone really understands this unless you have experienced it yourself.

I grew quite close to my Radiation Techs. On the front of a home made thank you note I taped a photo of my family of four. And inside as I thanked them, I told them I wanted them to have a visual of what I saw every time I closed my eyes on laid on the table. I wanted them to see three of the main motivating factors I have to fight the beast and live a long, healthy, happy life. And I wanted them to know who was thanking them for healing me...a wife...a mommy.

After my last treatment, only one of my Radiation Techs was there, and I was saddened to not be able to say good-bye after so many weeks of interactions. I gave my one guy the bucket of treats and the card and gave him a hug. I tried my best to hold back the tears and quickly went on my way. As I left, I said good-bye to one of the receptionists, and handed her a bucket of treats as well. As her eyes met mine, our eyes welled up with tears. I thanked her for greeting me with a smile every single day. She knew my name from day one. She never had me check in. She just quietly said hello and offered a smile. I thanked her for being such a kind face to see every single day, and she came around the corner to give me a big hug.

As I got in the elevator, there was an overwhelming wave of emotion. And as I reached the lobby, my two Radiation Techs were standing there. As a tear streamed down my face, I gave them a big hug and said, "Thank you for everything." They said, "You did a great job, congratulations. Be sure to come visit us when you come back for your follow up in a few months. Good luck to you!"

As I got in the car, I felt a feeling of accomplishment, and a feeling of relief. If anyone else could understand all that transpired the last 7 weeks, it was them. And I was done with this phase. As I drove out of the garage, even the parking attendant gave me a smile. Shoot, I've seen him 35 times, too! I said, "I won't see you tomorrow, I'm done!" He smiled and said, "Be well, sweet lady."

As painful as the burns were by the end, it was a physical sign that any lingering nasty cells were zapped and fried. Somehow I drew comfort in the physical evidence of the 35 treatments. Even after just a couple of days of reprieve, my breast is healing nicely. I'm hoping in a week or two the burns will be a distant memory. Surgery...check. Four wonderful vacations...check. Thirty-five radiation treatments...check. Deep breath...check.

Now it's time for phase 3...the beast. On October 26 I will get my port placed again, and on November 2 I will begin my four cycles of heavy dose Adriamyacin chemotherapy. In the midst of those 11 weeks of chemo, I will focus on my health, savor time with my loved ones, and celebrate the joy and hope of the holidays. (And, meet my neice!) On January 4, I will be done and hopefully will then be able to put all of this behind me once and for all. Remeber what I read about the goal? A goal is a dream with a plan and a deadline. Dream...check. Plan...check. Deadline...check. Now, let's add some prayers to that and God willing my body will cooperate and my mind will stay strong, and together with those I love we can get through this and move on.

xoxo

One To Go...

Last weekend, La Jolla was filled with family, love, joy, laughs, and memories we will look back on for many years. My husband, mom and I flew out west, met up with my older brother, and had a fantastic time with our extended family to celebrate the wedding of one of my cousins. Family flew in from Japan, Texas, New York, New Jersey and all across the country for this special occasion. This wedding was absolutely magnificent, and it was truly a most special family reunion.

Monday morning it was back to reality...bus, school, work, and the mid-morning jaunt to RW for my daily dose of radiation. My right breast is red, burnt, blistered, and, well, it hurts. I'm trying my best to practice mind over matter. The best news is that I only have one treatment left! I begged my Radiation Oncologist to do two doses in one day so I could be done today, but she just smiled and said, "Give me a big hug. We'll see you Monday!"

Tomorrow, my husband and I are heading to Austin for our friends' wedding. Neither of us have been there before, so it will be a fun weekend to explore, rest, and kick up our heels Texas style. The whirlwind of travelling the last 6 weeks has been a blast, and an excellent way to enjoy life and not think too much about the Big C. I am, however, looking forward to slowing down and putting away the suitcases for a while.

My chemo is scheduled to begin on Monday, November 2. I will be on a heavy dose of Adriamyacin, one every three weeks for a total of 4 cycles. I'll talk more about that later, but for now I'm still in happy mode, and off to pack a little black dress one more time!

I read two quotes recently that spoke to me...so as I say good night I leave you with these little nuggets...from a girl who loves to dream and has a goal of kicking cancer's ass once and for all...and believes that her life will be long and filled with peace, happiness and good health with all those I love.

"A goal is a dream with a plan and a deadline."

"To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe."