What a week!
Several months ago, Satchel, Mel and I bought tickets to see Eddie from Ohio at the Birchmere. We didn't realize at the time that it would be a perfectly timed night out! Sunday evening, before my first day back at work, the three of us headed to The Birchmere for a "folkin' good time!" I have been listening to Eddie from Ohio for over 18 years now. And the lead singer is a breast cancer survivor, and the writer and singer of my motivational anthem "Great Day." If you haven't heard of them, you should check them out.
We had a fun night filled with cold Blue Moons, delicious bar food, great music, amazing friends, and of course the random Suzy SweetPotato who had to share our table at the last minute. Thank goodness for iPhones and text messages. (ha) I can't wait to do it again next January! (Thanks S and M...you guys are the best!)
Monday morning I headed back to work. I had worked intermittenly since my diagnosis in January, but the last five weeks I took off to get through the holidays and complete chemo. I coulda/shoulda stayed out longer, but I was starting to think about all I had to do at work, and the time seemed right to head back. I thought I'd ease back in to it, but it was no surprise that within a day I was drinking from a fire hose. My neighbor teased me that I looked stressed about not stressing about stress. Ha! The good news is that I am fortunate to work from home most days. I'm trying to take each day as they come, and get through it without stress. That is a little tough for a type A like myself. But I'm doing the best I can, and really working at it.
Yesterday, I had my chemo closeout appointment with my oncologist. As I sat in the CW waiting room, I could not wait to get in and out and outta there. I am very thankful that CW and all of the smart docs and nurses have helped me beat cancer twice in the last 18 months. But, it's a place I don't want to visit again. I will go in for check ups every 3-6 months, and it's comforting to know that they will stay on top of me for the next few years...and then yearly for the rest of my life. It kind of sucks that I will technically be a cancer patient for the rest of my life. I love my oncologist, and if she weren't my doctor, I'm pretty sure we'd get along great as friends. She's one of the top breast cancer oncologists, and I trust her gut. She thinks I'm good now, and seems to think that in 10 years we'll be talking about "cute shoes and kids." Sounds good to me! She said, "I think you are going to be OK. And I don't get to say that to a lot of my patients." As nice as she is, she is not a hugger, and she is a tough cookie. So if she's optimistic, I know she is not blowing sunshine up my ... well you know. I asked about my port, and she said, "Get it removed...you don't need it anymore." Woot! If she thought I'd need more chemo any time soon, I'm sure she'd have said, "Well, let's keep it in for a year or two." But if she thinks I don't need it, then ciao, port. I am going to see if my plastic surgeon can help with the removal, because while the docs at Interventional Radiology are very nice and skilled, they are not very precise at closing the incision. Perhaps I've now become a sutcher snob, seeing the amazing work of my breast cancer surgeon and plastic surgeon. Either way, I'll be glad to get the port out.
I'm off to walk with one of my Bosom Buddies. We were supposed to meet for coffee talk, but turned it in to a coffee walk. I met her through my girlfriends who asked me to talk to her after she was diagnosed last summer. We hit it off right off the bat, and she did great through her treatments. Then, after I was diagnosed again, we ended up going through treatments together. She is a wonderful friend and I have a feeling we'll be friends for a long, long time. I have a huge network of support from my family and friends, and I am so thankful for being so blessed. And, through this journey, I have met (way too many) young women who have been through a similar journey. I am so thankful for their friendships. I don't know what happens in their life on a daily basis, but anytime a fleeting thought going through our heads, we are all an email, text, phone call or coffee date away. It's amazing how you can talk about (and show) the most personal things ever to a stranger...because they are not a stranger, they are earth angels, put in our lives divinely to get us through all of this. And together, we find strength in numbers. To all of my pink earth angels...and you know who you are...I love you!
It's been good to get back in to working out. My toenails have been destroyed by the chemo and they hurt. Strange, I know. As if there weren't a laundry list of things to fix! I guess it's time for a podiatrist. Ick. I have an adversion to feet anyway, and this is just makes it worse. It's so bothersome I can't even write about it. I need to change the subject.
My girlfriend just turned forty this week, and I can't wait to celebrate with her and her family in a couple of weeks when they come down to visit. When I asked her what she was doing for her birthday, she said, "Nothing big, just a hair cut. And, I might even get my nails done too." All I could think was how heavenly that sounded. When I turn 40 in 2.5 years, my prayer is that I will be cancer free, have my long hair, a fit body, and good nails. And I will celebrate with a workout, a hair cut, a mani/pedi, and some fun with those I love! Seems like a good goal.
Last year when I was done with treatments, I never really had peace that I could turn the page and start a new chapter...even though I really really tried. This time, I have peace in my heart, and an outlook on life that comes with going through a year and a half of hell. It is sometimes hard to draw a line in the sand and say, "OK, ready for a new beginning" because things have happened, and as much as you want them to go away, they won't. Everything I've been through can't be erased or forgotten. Rather, it will be a part of the fabric of my life. And that just makes the fabric a little more detailed...a lot stronger...beautiful...and appreciated. Life isn't perfect, but it's great to be alive.
I have been trying my best to live for the now. Don't dwell on the past. Don't stress about the future. Appreciate all I've experienced, and embrace the scars and flaws, because those are badges of courage. Embrace the moment, and appreciate each day as a gift. And every day here on earth with my husband, kids, family, and friends is a Great Day. I really can't express how much my husband, kids, family and friends have done for me. It's been a long road for all of us, and I love and appreciate them more and more each day. I'm ready to focus on new things...which is hopefully lots of joy and happy times for each and every one of us. We all deserve some big smiles and good times! If I haven't said it enough, thank you. You know who you are, and you know how much I love you.
As my friend told me last year, cancer is a part of my story. It's not my entire story. It is a chapter somewhere in the middle. I'm ready for a new chapter! A whole new year awaits. Hallelujah! Thanks be to God...
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
OOH La La...Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez
A goal is a dream with a plan and a deadline. I have written that a few times over the last 6 months. My dream...to be cancer free and live life to the fullest. My plan...surgery, 35 radiation treatments, 4 rounds of high dose Adriamycin chemo. My deadline...January 4, 2010. Status: Complete, on time, on plan. Woot! A project manager's dream. My dream. Our dream.
It's time for a long overdue update. I am not sure where to begin or where to end. My mind swirls with thoughts from time to time, and others it is life as normal. Here goes -- for now anyway...
TGIF...Thank God it's Friday. Well, kind of. I am excited to greet the weekend, so I can play with my husband, O and Cookie. There's nothing like a good 'ol family weekend filled with basketball, errands, naps, and all around quality family time. It's a little bittersweet this Friday, because on Monday, it's back to work for me after a five week break. "Break." Ha. Isn't that ironic. My mind is quickly erasing the hell that has occurred over the last seven months, probably because in the midst of hell was a big slice of Heaven. Time. Time to heal. Time to play. Time to think. Time to organize. Time to clear things off the to-do list. Quiet time. Busy time. Me time. Family time. Precious time...
We had the most amazing holiday break. And, on Monday, January 4, it was back to reality. The kids went back to school. My husband went back to work, and Satchel and I returned to CW for my fourth and final chemo. There was a part of me that was excited to get it done and be over it once and for all. And, there was another part of me that dug my heels in the sand, dreading it, because at this point I knew good and well what a date with the red devil meant. Or did I?
Satchel came to pick me up, and off to CW we went. As we walked in to the infusion ward, it was filled with sickly older people, and quite a few young'uns like me. That is always strange. We just don't fit in there...but as I am learning, being in your thirties with cancer is no longer an anomaly. At this point, Satchel and I know the nursing staff well, and they all greeted us with smiles, knowing that we'd be up to our cheerful antics. My counts were really low, so they had to do another CBC to make sure that my nearly null white blood cell count was high enough to endure chemo. And, by the grace of God, it was. As she accessed my port, I said, "Wait one minute..." and I looked at Satchel. "You know what time it is." And as any dutiful BFF would, she got up out of her comfy chair and did her ritual shuffle-tap-step. I got a few extra shuffles and taps. And smiles appeared on the many sickly faces that filled the infusion ward. "OK, we can start now." The nurse just laughed and the infusion began. There was an adrenaline rush that day, and for some reason, as the red devil filled my body, we just talked, laughed, snapped a few pictures, and went about our business. A few of the nurses who have gotten to know us over the last 18 months came by to say hello. Before we knew it, 1.5 hours later, my nurse said, "You're done. Sit tight, I'll be right back." A few minutes later, the nurses came out with a paper ribbon, a paper crown, and a Certificate of Completion of Chemotherapy that was signed with loving notes from all of the nursing staff. Satchel put on the crown, I put on the medal, and we hugged everyone and waved as we left. It was more like a paparazzi farewell than a patient leaving a chemo ward. As we left, I got a bonus shuffle-tap-step Satchel. See ya CW.
Off we went to a celebratory lunch at one of our favorite spots, and then it was time hug good-bye and part ways to greet our kids off the bus. I was all smiles, and had a sense of relief, accomplishment, and peace. One of my great friends took O for another 5-hour play date, and off I went to bed. I suddenly went from giddy and excited to tired and queasy. Before I knew it, I had a wave of fatigue and nausea that I have never had before. Ever. For the next four days, all I did was sleep, eat bagels, drink lemonade Vitamin Water, pop pills, and did I mention sleep? And there were a few tears. I have never felt this horrible, and I never ever want to feel that bad ever again. This was the first cycle where I didn't have anything to get up for. No parties. No Thanksgiving. No Christmas. My poor body was like, "Finally, girl...let me rest!" It was clear to me that it was by the grace of God that I made it through this chemo regimen without a sniffle, without missing a single holiday, play date, dinner date, school function, etc. But, it was finally time to rest. I could not talk on the phone. I could not get on the computer. I couldn't really watch TV. All I needed was a quiet house, a comfortable bed, and...did I mention bagels? Scrambled eggs and cheese on a toasted everything bagel with a plop of ketchup. Wow, am I in college? Classic hangover food!
There is no way I could have made it through that week, or the last 7 months, without my family and friends. Between meals, rides, childcare, hugs, messages, cards, emails, etc. After a solid work week of rest, I started feeling better. My body is still achy. I am not sure how I got in daily 1-2 hour workouts before. But this week, I dusted off a gift certificate I've had and got a wonderful full body massage. And, I used one of my sessions at the gym to have a one-on-one stretching/yoga session with my trainer. Slowly, I'm feeling like me. I do not have my taste buds back. Last night at dinner with my ladies I did not have the wine. The good news is the kier royale tasted delightful! Probably a good thing wine doesn't taste good, because I do not need to be drinking right now!
I have had a great week filled with lunches, coffee dates, and phone calls with my friends, and good quality time with my family. I am hoping that when I get back to work next week, I remember how to do my job! I have a final check up with my Oncologist, and then I won't have to go back to CW for six months. Hallelujah!
Last year when I finished, I was happy but was never at peace. I always felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Which it did. But now, after another surgery, 35 radiation sessions, and 4 more rounds of chemo, I am at peace. I feel in my heart that this cancer chapter will be closed. It will always be with me. And it has shaped who I am as a person. I have met people along the way that have changed my life, and I believe in my heart that I have changed the lives of people I have met along the way.
I believe I have earned the title of cancer survivor. That is hard to say out loud, and it is hard to believe that I had cancer, twice, and I will forever be a cancer patient. My family and friends are survivors, too. There is no doubt in my mind how much I am loved. I can't imagine how hard it must be to watch your wife, mom, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, sister-in-law, niece, friend, co-worker go through all of this crap...not just once but twice in an eighteen month period. But in the end, we all have new perspective on life, love, friendship, motherhood. I think it helps us all put life in perspective. And, hopefully it will help us all live lives that are filled with thanks, love, and happiness. You never know what each day will bring, but every day is a gift. And every day with those you love is a Great Day. Thank you to everyone who was by my side for this journey. If you are reading this, you know who you are. I do not take any of you for granted, and feel so blessed to have you in my life.
Seven months ago, I had a fresh new scar on my right breast. Now, that scar has faded and you can barely see it. I know it's there, but I don't think about it much. Three months ago, my right breast had massive burns and blisters on it. Now, the skin has healed and it is as perfect as ever. I read about my days on the radiation table, and they seem like a distant memory...one I don't think about much anymore. But hair. Oh the hair. Coming from a hair ball, who spent most of her life with a head full of long, thick locks, this has been very difficult. Days when I have my wigs on, I feel like my old self. Days I look in the mirror bald, I think, "Wow, who on Earth is that in the mirror." But, I'm ready for it to grow back. And while I am not looking forward to the dreaded grow-out that is so indescribably icky, I'm so thankful that it will grow back (despite my recent nightmares that it didn't), and I'm thankful that hopefully the red devil that killed my hair cells have zapped any bad cell that may have been floating around. Life is way more important than hair. But, man, have I mentioned how much I miss mine?!
Right before I started chemo, I had coffee with one of my young survivor friends. She planned a trip to Paris with one of her girlfriends. That got me thinking, "I have always wanted to go to Paris." With two young kids, the dream trip of a ten-day European vacation is just a dream. But, my husband and I take weekend trips. Why not do a long weekend in Paris? When you are traveling without kids, a 7.5 hour red-eye direct flight to Paris seems like a great idea! For our 9th wedding anniversary, I was in the midst of chemo and had just cut off 14 inches of hair. For my 10th wedding anniversary, I was in the midst of radiation and we went to Disney with the kids. And now, for our 11th anniversary, we are going to Paris for a long weekend. I can't wait! The Eiffel Tower. The Arc de Triomphe. Visiting the Mona Lisa at The Lourve. A boat ride down the Siene River. Sipping coffee in a cafe. Sharing a bottle of red wine with some bread and fromage. Sounds like a good idea to me! October in Paris. Now that is something to look forward to!
Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez...let the good times roll!
It's time for a long overdue update. I am not sure where to begin or where to end. My mind swirls with thoughts from time to time, and others it is life as normal. Here goes -- for now anyway...
TGIF...Thank God it's Friday. Well, kind of. I am excited to greet the weekend, so I can play with my husband, O and Cookie. There's nothing like a good 'ol family weekend filled with basketball, errands, naps, and all around quality family time. It's a little bittersweet this Friday, because on Monday, it's back to work for me after a five week break. "Break." Ha. Isn't that ironic. My mind is quickly erasing the hell that has occurred over the last seven months, probably because in the midst of hell was a big slice of Heaven. Time. Time to heal. Time to play. Time to think. Time to organize. Time to clear things off the to-do list. Quiet time. Busy time. Me time. Family time. Precious time...
We had the most amazing holiday break. And, on Monday, January 4, it was back to reality. The kids went back to school. My husband went back to work, and Satchel and I returned to CW for my fourth and final chemo. There was a part of me that was excited to get it done and be over it once and for all. And, there was another part of me that dug my heels in the sand, dreading it, because at this point I knew good and well what a date with the red devil meant. Or did I?
Satchel came to pick me up, and off to CW we went. As we walked in to the infusion ward, it was filled with sickly older people, and quite a few young'uns like me. That is always strange. We just don't fit in there...but as I am learning, being in your thirties with cancer is no longer an anomaly. At this point, Satchel and I know the nursing staff well, and they all greeted us with smiles, knowing that we'd be up to our cheerful antics. My counts were really low, so they had to do another CBC to make sure that my nearly null white blood cell count was high enough to endure chemo. And, by the grace of God, it was. As she accessed my port, I said, "Wait one minute..." and I looked at Satchel. "You know what time it is." And as any dutiful BFF would, she got up out of her comfy chair and did her ritual shuffle-tap-step. I got a few extra shuffles and taps. And smiles appeared on the many sickly faces that filled the infusion ward. "OK, we can start now." The nurse just laughed and the infusion began. There was an adrenaline rush that day, and for some reason, as the red devil filled my body, we just talked, laughed, snapped a few pictures, and went about our business. A few of the nurses who have gotten to know us over the last 18 months came by to say hello. Before we knew it, 1.5 hours later, my nurse said, "You're done. Sit tight, I'll be right back." A few minutes later, the nurses came out with a paper ribbon, a paper crown, and a Certificate of Completion of Chemotherapy that was signed with loving notes from all of the nursing staff. Satchel put on the crown, I put on the medal, and we hugged everyone and waved as we left. It was more like a paparazzi farewell than a patient leaving a chemo ward. As we left, I got a bonus shuffle-tap-step Satchel. See ya CW.
Off we went to a celebratory lunch at one of our favorite spots, and then it was time hug good-bye and part ways to greet our kids off the bus. I was all smiles, and had a sense of relief, accomplishment, and peace. One of my great friends took O for another 5-hour play date, and off I went to bed. I suddenly went from giddy and excited to tired and queasy. Before I knew it, I had a wave of fatigue and nausea that I have never had before. Ever. For the next four days, all I did was sleep, eat bagels, drink lemonade Vitamin Water, pop pills, and did I mention sleep? And there were a few tears. I have never felt this horrible, and I never ever want to feel that bad ever again. This was the first cycle where I didn't have anything to get up for. No parties. No Thanksgiving. No Christmas. My poor body was like, "Finally, girl...let me rest!" It was clear to me that it was by the grace of God that I made it through this chemo regimen without a sniffle, without missing a single holiday, play date, dinner date, school function, etc. But, it was finally time to rest. I could not talk on the phone. I could not get on the computer. I couldn't really watch TV. All I needed was a quiet house, a comfortable bed, and...did I mention bagels? Scrambled eggs and cheese on a toasted everything bagel with a plop of ketchup. Wow, am I in college? Classic hangover food!
There is no way I could have made it through that week, or the last 7 months, without my family and friends. Between meals, rides, childcare, hugs, messages, cards, emails, etc. After a solid work week of rest, I started feeling better. My body is still achy. I am not sure how I got in daily 1-2 hour workouts before. But this week, I dusted off a gift certificate I've had and got a wonderful full body massage. And, I used one of my sessions at the gym to have a one-on-one stretching/yoga session with my trainer. Slowly, I'm feeling like me. I do not have my taste buds back. Last night at dinner with my ladies I did not have the wine. The good news is the kier royale tasted delightful! Probably a good thing wine doesn't taste good, because I do not need to be drinking right now!
I have had a great week filled with lunches, coffee dates, and phone calls with my friends, and good quality time with my family. I am hoping that when I get back to work next week, I remember how to do my job! I have a final check up with my Oncologist, and then I won't have to go back to CW for six months. Hallelujah!
Last year when I finished, I was happy but was never at peace. I always felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Which it did. But now, after another surgery, 35 radiation sessions, and 4 more rounds of chemo, I am at peace. I feel in my heart that this cancer chapter will be closed. It will always be with me. And it has shaped who I am as a person. I have met people along the way that have changed my life, and I believe in my heart that I have changed the lives of people I have met along the way.
I believe I have earned the title of cancer survivor. That is hard to say out loud, and it is hard to believe that I had cancer, twice, and I will forever be a cancer patient. My family and friends are survivors, too. There is no doubt in my mind how much I am loved. I can't imagine how hard it must be to watch your wife, mom, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, sister-in-law, niece, friend, co-worker go through all of this crap...not just once but twice in an eighteen month period. But in the end, we all have new perspective on life, love, friendship, motherhood. I think it helps us all put life in perspective. And, hopefully it will help us all live lives that are filled with thanks, love, and happiness. You never know what each day will bring, but every day is a gift. And every day with those you love is a Great Day. Thank you to everyone who was by my side for this journey. If you are reading this, you know who you are. I do not take any of you for granted, and feel so blessed to have you in my life.
Seven months ago, I had a fresh new scar on my right breast. Now, that scar has faded and you can barely see it. I know it's there, but I don't think about it much. Three months ago, my right breast had massive burns and blisters on it. Now, the skin has healed and it is as perfect as ever. I read about my days on the radiation table, and they seem like a distant memory...one I don't think about much anymore. But hair. Oh the hair. Coming from a hair ball, who spent most of her life with a head full of long, thick locks, this has been very difficult. Days when I have my wigs on, I feel like my old self. Days I look in the mirror bald, I think, "Wow, who on Earth is that in the mirror." But, I'm ready for it to grow back. And while I am not looking forward to the dreaded grow-out that is so indescribably icky, I'm so thankful that it will grow back (despite my recent nightmares that it didn't), and I'm thankful that hopefully the red devil that killed my hair cells have zapped any bad cell that may have been floating around. Life is way more important than hair. But, man, have I mentioned how much I miss mine?!
Right before I started chemo, I had coffee with one of my young survivor friends. She planned a trip to Paris with one of her girlfriends. That got me thinking, "I have always wanted to go to Paris." With two young kids, the dream trip of a ten-day European vacation is just a dream. But, my husband and I take weekend trips. Why not do a long weekend in Paris? When you are traveling without kids, a 7.5 hour red-eye direct flight to Paris seems like a great idea! For our 9th wedding anniversary, I was in the midst of chemo and had just cut off 14 inches of hair. For my 10th wedding anniversary, I was in the midst of radiation and we went to Disney with the kids. And now, for our 11th anniversary, we are going to Paris for a long weekend. I can't wait! The Eiffel Tower. The Arc de Triomphe. Visiting the Mona Lisa at The Lourve. A boat ride down the Siene River. Sipping coffee in a cafe. Sharing a bottle of red wine with some bread and fromage. Sounds like a good idea to me! October in Paris. Now that is something to look forward to!
Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez...let the good times roll!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Chemo 2.4...Done and Done
I'm done with chemo. I am all smiles on the inside but have absolutely no energy to tell you all about it. I have never been so exhausted in my life. It seems all I can do is sleep. I have no energy to watch tv, talk on the phone or even write. I have a lot to share, but for now just know that I'm done with chemo and ready to put this all behind me and live life.
To be continued when I wake up...
To be continued when I wake up...
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