The Price Tag of Cancer...

What a wonderful week. I've so enjoyed having this time off from work so I can minimize stress and focus on healing from the inside out, and spend time with my family. It's been fun to have my husband off work this week, too. We have gone to the movies, taken the kids on family dates, rested and relaxed, played with our friends, and have caught up on to-dos that always seem to pile up.

As grateful as I am to have these weeks off of work, I am very thankful for my job. Many people have said, "You should just quit your job. It's not worth the stress." I am fortunate to have a job that I enjoy and offers flexibility so I can put my children first. Getting the kids on and off the bus each day is a priority for me. And, these days, I am very thankful for my health insurance . I have an HMO that has been amazing. I have never had to battle a claim, and all of my top specialists participate. It has been the biggest blessing and life saver...literally.

Yesterday, one of the to-dos I finally caught up on was submitting an insurance claim for my wigs. My insurance company has a great online tool, and before too long I found myself number crunching.

It's been a long road since my mammogram nearly two years ago. Since January 2008, I've had 3 mammograms, 2 MRIs, 2 core needle biopsies, 1 genetic test for the BRCA gene, 2 PET scans, 1 bilateral mastectomy with expanders, 2 port placements, 1 port removal, 1 implant exchange surgery, 1 partial mastectomy, 9 rounds of chemotherapy, and 38 radiation treatments. Not to mention many prescription drugs, consults, follow ups, second opinons, and blood draws. When you put it like that, no wonder I'm exhausted and tired of dealing with all of this! No wonder I'm ready to look ahead to 2010, and pray that it is filled with good health and care-free happiness! No wonder I want my body back...

The price tag? Total amount billed: $422K. Total amount paid by neogiated insurance rate: $146K. Total out of pocket by patient: ~$5K. Wow. All I can say is that I am so blessed. Lucky. Whatever you want to call it. What do women do who have no insurance? Or insurance that doesn't pay much? I wish I had millions of dollars, because I wish I could help women out there who are uninsured or underinsured.

If I think about the "what ifs" too much, it will make me crazy. So, for now, I will thank God, and continue to work hard to keep my good insurance. Something to think about...

For now, I'm going to focus on getting through my last chemo treatment next week and putting all of this behind me.

The cost of living a cancer-free, long, happy life with my husband, children, family and friends? Priceless.

Precious Gifts...

The children are nestled all snug in their beds, and my husband is cheering on the Trojans down in his lair. Finally, after a couple of weeks of hustle and bustle, I have a few minutes of peace and quiet. Life has been a whirlwind of fun for the last couple of weeks. Once again, there has been little thought or talk of the Big C. The mind is powerful, and mind over matter prevails once again.

There were many beautifully wrapped gifts under the Christmas trees this year. We were all blessed to have such abundance of friends, family, food, and gifts. The gift that I cherish more than anything can not be found in a store, or under the tree. The most precious gift of all is life...and spending time with those I love.

It's moments like watching my little Cookie get all bundled up in her snow gear to keep her Daddy company as he shoveled the 15 inches of powdery, fluffy snow. It's the joy of making O the perfect cup of hot chocolate with whipped cream and sprinkles when he came inside, frozen from within after sledding with his buddies. It's catching up with my neighbor over a latte while our kids played happily. It's holding my new niece for the first time...welcoming her in to our loving family, watching my twin brother beam with pride over his new daughter, and thanking God that she and her mother are healthy. It's spending time with our best friends, and being filled with joy watching our kids grow up together. It's having fun planning a dinner party, setting a beautiful table, and cooking in the kitchen with my darling husband as we ate, drank, and were merry with those we love. It's relishing in the Christmas traditions of our childhoods and creating new ones with our children. It's teaching our kids about the true meaning of Christmas, and holding back tears as the hymns at the Christmas Eve service filled my heart and soul with emotions and memories. It's sitting around the fireplace on Christmas Eve, and laughing out loud at the antics and performances that you can only do with a room full of family. It's the joy of playing Santa with my husband on Christmas Eve, getting the house ready for Christmas morning...and sneaking in a few late night games of arcade hoops after he spent 4 hours putting the game together. It's snuggling in bed with our son on Christmas morning as we patiently waited for Cookie to wake up so we could go downstairs as a family to see what Santa brought. It's the joy of watching their eyes light up at the amazement that Santa knew exactly what they'd love. It's receiving the perfect Christmas card. It's telling people how much you love them, and how much they mean to you. It's letting tears of love and happiness fall as they may. It's catching up on quiet time, TV and movies with my husband. It's the pure joy of loving and being loved. It's flipping through a photo book and realizing that in a year that is dubbed the worst year ever, there has been a lot of fun, great trips, good times, many blessings, and renewed strength. It's hearing exciting, surprising news from friends across the miles, and wishing I could reach through the phone and give them big, huge hugs. It's the excitement of making a list of all the fun things we are going to do in 2010. Life. It's the most precious gift.

Christmas is my favorite time of year. But as much as I love it, I am glad to clean up once it's over. Tomorrow, I will take down the trimmings, get my house all back in order, and get back in to a healthy routine. We all have the next week off and are looking forward to some fun dates and some fun family time, rest, and relaxation. Then, on January 4 as my kids return to school and my husband returns to work, I will head to CW for my fourth and final chemo. And, on January 5, I will start my New Year...cancer free, and no looking back. There is a lot of life to live, and I have peace in my heart that 2010 will be an amazing year filled with good health, a lot of love, loads of fun, many blessings, and a lot of thanksgiving. Peace of mind. Peace in my heart.

Chemo 2.3: A Magical Wand and Combat Boots

Wow, it's been a couple of weeks since I've posted. The good news is those two weeks were filled with all things good. Once I got through rough chemo week and a fun Thanksgiving, I had a renewed sense of energy. Since I had some time off from work, I wanted to make the best of it and really start working out. I need to be careful of super high cardio due to the cardio-toxic potential of the Adriamyacin. But long walks and visits to the gym were just what I needed to bounce back. As I walked to the gym, I would catch up with all of the phone calls I missed the week before. Some mornings, before I knew it, I'd have been walking for over an hour before I got to my gym that was just minutes away. Talking with my friends while getting some exercise was the best way to release the toxins from my body. The people at the gym have been great. Nobody really notices I'm bald under my pink and black camo scarf. And if they do, they don't care. This chemo makes me feel toxic, so any way to sweat it out is good. Plus, a week of rest and carb loading can not be good for the scale, and the exercise and healthy eating the other 2 weeks has helped me keep it even on the scale. So far, so good. I continue to go to acupuncture, and my little wizzard continues to do amazing work with her amazing listening, needles, music and touch. If you have never done acupuncture, I definitely recommend it. I love it! And, it really works.

Last week I worked a bit, and it felt good to get back in to the corporate groove. I made the debut appearance in to the office with my wig, and everyone was so glad to see me. It's pretty busy, and it felt good to be productive. However, I am glad I'm off for the next five weeks so I can focus on my health and not get sucked in to the stressful undertoe that corporate life so often has. It was hard to make the decision to take time off, but after a good week of working, I'm at peace with putting my health and family first.

We have been busy getting ready for the holidays, and it's been so much fun. Everything from decorating the house, trimming the tree, fun and festive ladies nights and cookie parties for the kids have all been great ways to think about all things good and few things "C." We have been talking to our children a lot about Christmas traditions. We have shared with them our favorite traditions from when we were children, and ones we have started since they were born. It is neat to see them embrace and get excited about family traditions. When my husband and I were younger, we would go downtown to Old Ebbit Grill with friends for dinner, and then visit the National Tree outside the White House. We thought that would make a fun family date night so we bundled up on a chilly Friday evening and headed in to the city. Washington DC is such an amazing city, and it's just miles from our house, so we try to take the kids in to the city as often as we can. I treated myself to a kier royale and as a family we raised our glasses for a toast of good cheer. It was so fun to watch them run around the Ellipse. Cookie was fascinated with the singers who were beautifully belting out Christmas Carols. Then, we visited Santa's Workshop there, and there was a long list of names that had checks for naughty and nice. Cookie was a little frightened when she saw that her name had a check on the naughty list. It's really come in handy around the house lately. :-) Long story long, it was fun to create a new tradition with the kids. Hopefully some day they will sit around a beautiful tree with a sparkle in their eye and say to their kids, "When we were little, Nana, Pop Pop used to..." I know how grateful we are for our family traditions.

Another tradition is my husband's cookie bake-a-thon. He is a talent in the kitchen, and he spent all weekend baking cookies. The good old favorites are better than ever, and the new recipes are now new favorites. How lucky am I to have a husband who loves to bake? Now, he just has to give them away or hide them downstairs so I don't scarf. They are delicious and addicting. Thanks, sweetie! :-)

I'm getting used to the wigs again. I have four that I trade off -- and they are all totally different styles. My husband and friends always giggle when they first see me, because they don't know who they will get. Will I be Brittney, with long, curly hair? Or will it be Jolie, the chic stacked bob. Perhaps Victoria, the layered look. Or Samantha, the shoulder length bob. Either way, I'm embracing it and grateful for it. Having hair on gives me a sense of self. I wanted a pony tail so badly the other day, so I made one with the longer wig. It felt so fun! You have to realize after a lifetime of very long hair, I have missed my hair every day for the last 17 months. I like my scarves, too, for home and the gym. Last year I was bald a lot, and now I'm only bald in the shower. I am not the hugest fan of myself bald, so why not style it up with good earrings, lipstick, and head coverings?

Oh wow, this is getting long...I should really blog more often!

Yesterday, my husband and I ventured to CW for chemo #3. I was a little concerned at first that my counts were too low, but turned out they were fine and we were able to have a date with the red devil. Normally, Satchel and I are in the big infusion room making some kind of a ruckus. But yesterday, for the first time, I had a private room. It was quite nice to have some private space and a TV. Satchel did a shuffle-tap-step at home, and my husband shuffled a little for good karma. Thank you all for the emails, text messages and phone calls. The nurse was commenting on how many pretty sounds were coming from my iPhone! They meant the world to me, so thank you. And thanks for the playdates, meals and acts of service and overall kindness. We are so blessed to be surrounded by such giving, loving people. Overall, chemo was pretty uneventful, thank God. Three down, one to go!

Now, I'm in bed feeling very nauseated and will spend the day in bed resting. I have to go wake up my kids and get them off to school! We have a lot of fun parties, festivities, and CHRISTMAS coming up the next two weeks, so I want to stay healthy and enjoy. My body has done so well, and that is a precious gift. You all are precious gifts.

My dear friend always sends me cards on chemo day -- hasn't missed one in 9 chemos. The card for yesterday is one of my favorites, so I'll close with this...

"If I could, I'd find a Fairy Godmother with a magical wand and combat boots so that she could grant your wishes and kick the crap out of anything that tried to get in the way of your happiness."

Gifts...

With less than 5 weeks to go until my last chemo, I find the days flying by. Chemo #2 was another big slam to my body, but I managed to get through it once again. The fatigue, nausea, and awful metallic taste were the toughest part, but I managed to avoid the mouth sores I hear so many complain of. (Thanks, Act! and toothbrushes!) My family and friends continue to swarm me with love and help...they are all truly amazing.

We had an wonderful Thanksgiving with Satchel and her family. I was concerned that because it was on a chemo week, I'd be not feeling well and not able to eat. Thankfully, it was just the opposite! Being surrounded by friends who are family, a house filled with the delicious aroma of tasty Thanksgiving trimmings and the laughter of those you love makes for a great day! Not to mention, the food was delicious and just what I was in the mood to eat. A good time was had by all, and it was a day of Thanksgiving for sure.

After a fun family slumber party, Satchel and I felt the need to hit a few Black Friday sales. Of course, we knew going at 9am would be a sure-fire way to miss all of the deals, but we needed to get in the Christmas spirit so off we went. I even went out in my beaubeau scarf -- the first time I had ever been shopping without a wig. It was really no big deal. We came home with matching "Believe" ornaments, a few laughs, and off my husband, the kids and I went to head home to decorate the outside of our house. (Well, he decorated while I napped!)

The weekend was filled with sparkling lights, long naps, gatherings with old friends, fun play dates, a great visit with Santa, and good family time. Does it get better than that? My energy has come back but my taste buds seem to keep dwindling. I miss drinking wine and lattes. But I suppose not eating a lot of the things that aren't the best for you is probably a blessing in the long run. I wonder if an ice cold fountain Diet Coke will ever taste good to me again?! For now I'll stick with water and an occasional lemonade, and my liver will thank me.

As Monday arrived, I was feeling better and decided it was time to start working out again to undo some of the damage that the week of chemo carb-loading may have done. I'm trying very hard not to pack on weight during this chemo cycle. Most women gain between 20-25 pounds during chemo, and I am trying my best to not let that happen.

I put on my gym clothes, my "Cancer Sucks" socks, my silver hoops and my pink lipstick. I had my pink and black camo beaubeau scarf on and my wig in hand as I got the kids ready for school. As I was about to put my wig on, Cookie said, "Wear your scarf, Mommy." And I looked at O and said, "Do you want me to wear my wig or my scarf to the bus stop?" He said, "I like the scarf, Mommy." So off we went to the bus stop and preschool sans wig. It may sound like no big deal, but for me, it was. Turns out, it was no big deal, and my friends and the people around me were very supportive and complimentary. I had a great workout at the gym, and was glad to get over the hump of going to the gym with just a scarf on. It felt great to sweat. I'm still a wig girl for the most part when I'm out and about, but am really thankful for these beaubeau scarves -- they are so comfortable and as stylish as a scarf covering a bald head can be. Sid and I had a great 5 mile walk yesterday, which was good for the body and good for the soul. Long walks are the perfect way to catch up with my friends and be healthy. While I have some energy and time off, I'm working hard to exercise, get ready for the holidays, and rest every day while the kids are in school, and play when they get home.

As the hustle and bustle of the holiday is in full swing, I am trying to savor the magic of the season, and not let stress or holiday to-dos blur the spirit and true meaning of the season. There are a few gifts I want more than anything, and none of them can be purchased at the store. They are priceless gifts of living a long, cancer-free life, watching my children grow up, growing old with my husband, good health and happiness for my loved ones, and sharing precious moments with my family and friends.

All of this is good and true, but I'd be lying if I didn't say out loud that I'm sick of this all. I'm over it. I want to be done. I want my life back. I want my body back. I want my hair back. I want my mind back. I know in my heart that January 5, 2010 will be my New Year celebration, and the start of a new chapter. Santa can't bring any of those gifts on his sleigh...but I know who can. And every night before I go to bed, I remind Him of my wish list. I know He's listening...