Ciao -- For Now...

When I started blogging 18 months ago, I had no idea what a therapeutic healing tool it would be. It started as a way to communicate with my friends and family after my initial diagnosis and to keep everyone posted during my treatments. It turned in to way more than that. It has been a gift to me, and hopefully it will be a gift for my children to read years from now. I just went back and read entries from Scarlett's Journey, and earlier entries from A Great Day, and often times can't believe those are words that I wrote. And, quite frankly, can't believe any of this has happened to me. I wish more than anything I could wipe this all away and go back to July 1, 2008...the last day before I became a breast cancer patient. And now, a two-time breast cancer survivor. It's so hard to believe that this has really happened to me. To us.

The last two months since my final chemo treatment has been a lot of fun, for the most part. I have had great times with my family and friends, and life is good. Finally. I feel strong on the inside, and strong on the outside. But, I don't look like me, and that is really, really bothering me. I have been very vocal about the fact that I miss my hair. But I am finally ready to say out loud that I miss my old body, too. (On a side note, my peach fuzz is growing every day -- still only peach fuzz but at least I know it's growing back!)

A year ago, I joined a new gym and started working out regularly, and met a trainer that I have met with nearly weekly for the better part of a year. Last week she did the first workout we ever did together, and even with another surgery, 35 rounds of radiation, and 4 rounds of chemo, I'm so much stronger than I was a year ago. I feel strong, but I am finally determined to get my body back in shape.

The other day I was on the treadmill and had an a-ha moment. I have battled cancer twice now, and am ready to put that behind me. I often quoted "a dream is a goal with a plan and a deadline." Being a project manager at work, I tend to thrive with structure and a plan. The last two months since I finished chemo, I've been enjoying good times with family and friends. It's way too easy to fall in to a mindset that "I've been through all this crap, I'm going to drink and eat whatever I want because life is too short." But, that is no way to live a healthy life. It's time for a plan.

What I appreciate more than ever is that this body of mine has been through hell, and really deserves some focus and dedication to maximize good health. I am not going to do anything crazy or drastic, and I'm not going to go for the quick fix. Rather, I'm going to do my best to live life to the fullest, but spend the next two years getting myself back to optimal health.

My ultimate goal is to be fabulous, fit, and cancer-free on my fortieth birthday. That gives me a little over two years to work hard, but also enough time to enjoy life and have some fun! It's all about the 80/20 rule, and finding a balance between good health but enjoying life.

Goal? Check. Deadline? Check. Plan...working on it right now. Dream...will come true. It's times like this where being a competitive Type-A comes in handy. I owe this to myself. I owe it to my children. I owe it to my family and friends. When we were in college, my roommates and I had a weekly workout chart on the fridge. It had 5 smiley faces on it, and we had to cross off a smiley face with every workout. No wonder we were in great shape! I am actually writing down my fitness plan, and will have it out for anyone who wants to see. I will be accountable to this, not only to myself but to anyone who wants to keep me honest.

So, cancer, adios. I don't have time to worry about you anymore. Instead, I'm going to fuel my body, mind, and spirit with all things good to keep you out of my body. Out of my mind. Out of my heart. Out of my life. FOREVER.

To those of you who are my loved ones who have faithfully read my blogs, thank you for caring. Thank you for taking time to read what has been going on in my life and in my heart. For those of you I have never met, I hope I have touched you in some way, for there is a reason you stumbled upon this out in internet land.

With that, this is my final entry for a while. I will be enjoying life and focusing on optimal health. Wine, I will miss you in March, but will drink you again soon. To my family and friends, please continue to encourage me and love me. You mean the world to me and continue to uplift and inspire me every day. YOU are the reasons I have fought so hard. I love my life, and it's so worth fighting for.

Nothing tastes as good as feeling healthy. And nothing is more fun than fitting in to your skinny jeans. Mine are hanging in my closet, and I fully intend on wearing them in Paris this fall.

Love you all. Thanks for saving my life. And I look forward to fun, happy, healthy times ahead.

Monday, March 1st is the first day of the rest of my long, happy, healthy life. To keep myself accountable, I will post my progress on June 1, 2010. So, if you remember, or if you are curious, check back. I promise to give you an honest update! :-)

Ciao -- for now...

xoxo