Warning, this is all about nipples, so if you are curious, read on. If you know me too well and don't want to know TMI about my breast reconstruction, close now. I gotta get this out...consider yourself warned.
After a bi-lateral mastectomy with expanders, an implant exchange surgery with silicone implants, another partial mastectomy and 35 rounds of radiation, thanks to the pesky local recurrence, my poor boobs have been through so much over the last 20 months. But again, my strong body has been resilient and the healing has been amazing. In clothes, bras, swim suits, and dresses, my breasts look great. They are perky, round, and allow me to enjoy the benefit of walking around sans bra most of the time.
I often get comments like, "Well the silver lining of breast cancer is you have great boobs." That's all relative. Yes, they look great in clothes. Yes, they are perky. Yes, it's great to not have to wear a bra. But, they are scarred and are missing something very essential...a nipple. After all I have been through, the lack of nipples seems insignificant, but now that I'm feeling well and not thinking about cancer much, I am ready to have the final stage of reconstruction...I'm ready for some nipples.
Many survivors would say after all the surgery and radiation, the last thing they want to do is have more surgery and more pain. It's a very personal decision. I was seriously considering getting a 3-D tattoo versus the surgery, but after a long consult with my plastic surgeon and long conversations with my husband, I decided to go for it. I am ready to take my "Barbie boobs" all the way to the end of reconstruction.
There are many ways to reconstruct nipples, but there is such little information out there. I turned to Dr. Google and was having a hard time understanding the full scope of this undertaking. So, I decided that I have full trust in my skilled plastic surgeon. She helped save my life--and my breasts--so I put my complete trust in her gifted hands. I did not realize it would be a painful four month process. I am keeping my eye on the prize, and despite a few tears and moment of feeling like humpty dumpty, I know that my queen's horses and my queen's women will put me back together again.
The process, as I understand it, requires multiple stages. First, I get a funky half-star shaped tattoo. Then, 4 weeks later, I will get another tattoo treatment. Once she is happy with the color, I will go in to the OR where she will turn the half star in to a nipple. Then, about 4 weeks after that, I will go in for 2 more tattoo treatments to create the circle --- aka the aereola. OK, that all seems do-able. I was not really expecting it to hurt...or to open a box of emotions that I had carefully tucked away.
The night before my appointment, my husband and I were watching TV and I grabbed the Mac and turned to Dr. Google. If I am going to get brand new nipples, I needed to do my research. I first Googled breast nipple reconstruction, and quite frankly those images were very discouraging. So, I decided to Google "boobs." Well, that just brought up some nasty porn sites (which, by the way, made me scared for all the kids out there who have unsupervised access to the internet!) So, I turned to the old stand by...I went to playboy.com. "Honey, what do you think?" I am sure it's a little awkward nipple browsing with your wife, but if you are going to get new nipples, why not pick ones that you want?! It's amazing how many different colors, shapes and sizes of nipples there are o
ut there.It was great to see the staff at my plastic surgeon's office. I was called back by the friendly nurse, and the first step in the process was selecting the color. Seems pretty easy, right? I'd like pink. Ha! I am a color mixer by nature. I mix paint colors for my house. I usually have at least 2-3 shades of lipstick on at any one time. And this was no different. She pulled out a color chart and we starting mixing up different colors and applying them on my skin. I felt like I was at the Mac counter at Nordstrom looking for the perfect lipcolor! Too light. Too dark. Too pink. Too coral. Too brown. How about we add a little of this with some of that and a bit of this with a smidge of that. My anxiety started running high at this point...I had no idea it would be so difficult! I told the nurse that I wanted to get my doctor's opinion, and she could tell I was getting a little overwhelmed. So, she handed me two small, round band aids. "Put these on your boobs where you think you'd like your nipples to be." Really? I want them perky. Right? That required standing in front of the mirror and using my imagination. That proved to be just as challenging. Rarely do I stare in the mirror at my boobs. Finally I stuck the band aids on and waited for the doctor to come in.
It is always great to see my plastic surgeon. She's a young, beautiful, tiny Asian woman who is an absolute perfectionist. She is so skilled but so loving. We have become very close over the last 20 months. She could tell I needed some help. "I trust you with my life, and now I trust you with my nipples. I know you will help me pick the perfect placement and the perfect color. My nipples are in your hands." It all sounds so funny. Nipple Nipple Nipple. Once she figured out where they would go, she got out her marking pen and drew the craziest little alien-shaped half star. I know she is the expert so I did not ask questions. But, I did take
pictures. I spent hours Googling this and found nothing. So here it is. This is what will become my nipple some day. I am still confused but have full faith in my surgeon. Once she was done marking, we went back to the color matching. After several minutes of mixing and matching and mixing, we came up with a great color. I watched her grab a big needle. "I am going to numb up your breasts -- lay down." Hmmm. Wasn't expecting shots. I closed my eyes and tried to get lost in the Josh Groban CD that was playing in the background. As she pierced my breasts over and over with the needle filled with numbing medicine, I winced and shut my eyes tighter and tighter, as if the tighter my eyes would shut would some how make the piercing needles hurt less. She could tell I was in pain, and seemed so elated. "OHHHHH, I see you have sensation in your breasts! That is great!" Uh, yes, I can see the silver lining here. I do have sensation in my breasts, which is a bonus for sure. It's also a testament to my skilled surgical team and my resilient body. But damn, this hurt. She left the room for about 10 minutes so the medicine could work. As I laid there, I gave myself a pep talk. This is the last step. I am cancer free. I will soon be done with all of this once and for all. I will have beautiful breasts. Eye on the prize. Final step. You can do this. You are the trail blazer for 15 of your young friends who are deciding whether to get nipples or not. Be strong. Mind over matter.
She came in 10 minutes later, and within 5 minutes she had filled in my alien-shaped symbol with ink. This has officially cured my craving for any type of tattoos! I was ready to get out of there.
I went to my mom's house to pick up Cookie, and as we sat in the park, I realized it was a lot more emotional than I was really expecting it to be. But as the sun shined, I watched my beautiful little girl laugh and giggle and scoot across the monkey bars with pride and ease, and I thanked God for my life. I am so blessed. My kids, family, and friends are such amazing gifts.
My breasts were very sore -- I could not tell whether it was from the shots or from the tattoos. But here, a day later, I am feeling much better. Inside out. As I tuck in my kids and say my prayers, I am humbled by the amazing life I have. I am still a little in shock at my reality. That at 37, I'm growing out my hair for the second time, and that I'm a two-time breast cancer survivor. It's just a little weird to have this reality that seems so unreal. I have such wonderful people in my life and know I'm stronger with each passing day. Some days it's hard to take a step back and take a deep breath, but I work on it every day. And not a day goes by that I don't stop, smell the roses, hug my family, and thank God. Yes, even if you are sore or tired or stressed...every day is A Great Day.
Nipples...stay tuned.
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