Happy Thanksgiving...

Happy Thanksgiving!

There is so much to say...so much to ponder. A special card I received says it all...

"Thanksgiving is a season of thankfulness for life, and health, and all things good."

I have so much to be thankful for...especially my life, my family, and my friends. I wish all of you a joyous day filled with all things good and blessed. We are off to spend Thanksgiving with Satchel and her family...and thinking of all of our family and friends who are celebrating all over the world today. For you all, I am thankful.

xoxo

Chemo 2.2: Making a List, Checking It Twice...

Monday morning, my husband joined me in my morning routine. We got O off on the bus, dropped off Cookie at school, and made the morning Starbucks run. I sadly chose a bottle of water over a latte. It has been over 3 weeks since I have had a latte. It amazes me! (And, strangely enough, saddens me!)

Then, we headed over to Cancer World for Chemo #2. Aside from his surprise visit during my last chemo last December, this was his maiden voyage as my official chemo buddy. I was very happy to have him by my side. I'm so used to the CW infusion ward by now, but for someone who hasn't spent that much time there, it's a little depressing and intimidating. It was filled with very sick people, many who were sleeping (and snoring, at times!).

We got settled in our spot, and one of the nurses came over to us. "Who is going to do the dance today?" she asked, referring to the traditional shuffle-tap-step that Satchel does before every treatment. My husband blushed, remained seated, and shuffled his feet quietly. It gave me just the smile I needed to start the infusion.

We brought out the notebook and made lists of things we needed to do to get ready for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Then, he fired up the Mac while I brought out my bag of envelopes, labels and stamps. We were completely ignoring the fact that pre-chemo and "The Red Devil" was entering my body. We made lists, and he ordered Christmas gifts online while I put over 100 stamps and labels on Christmas card envelopes.

Within two hours, the nurse said, "You are all done and are free to go." Really? Wow, that was productive! We went out for a nice lunch, and it was very special to share the day with him. We got home just in time to get O off the bus. My girlfriend invited O over for a play date, and he had a ball!

I think the acupuncture I had last week helped with my side effects this time. I'm very nauseated and exhausted, and I am having a hard time sleeping. But, I've been trying my best to rest up so we can enjoy a nice Thanksgiving with Satchel and her family. Once again, our families and friends have been amazing with help, support and love.

Thanks to everyone for, well, everything. The emails, text messages, phone calls, cards, thoughts and prayers continue to uplift us all. I could not get through this without you all. And thanks, Sweeties, for being my chemo buddy.

Two down, two to go. Six weeks to cancer free...forever. And, in the midst of the countdown includes Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. Yea, we can do this.

xoxo

A Rainbow Amidst the Rapids...

It's been a few days since my head was shaved. I find in times like this you can either hide under the covers and have a pity party, or you can keep yourself busy and live your life. I opted for the latter, and have had a wonderful weekend. Between some early holiday shopping, a fun date night, a dinner party, and a fun family adventure at Great Falls Park with the kids, I haven't had that much time to dwell on the fact that I hate being bald...again. As the sun hit the rushing rapids the mist created a rainbow. It was great to share that with the kids.

I have donned several styles of wigs and have gotten some use out of my beaubeau scarves. I'm over it already, but I'm doing OK. My husband, kids, family and friends have been very encouraging and supportive. As I tucked in my kids, my son said, "Mommy, even though you are bald, you are still pretty." Even if it's lip service from a 7 year old, it warms my heart. Cookie just rubbed my head and giggled. I know this is tough for all of us, but the fact that we are just moving along with it shows how much I'm loved unconditionally.

I went to the Oncologist for a pre-chemo checkup on Friday and I'm good to go for chemo #2 tomorrow. I'm looking forward to my husband stepping in as my chemo buddy. I can pretty much guarantee that he will not shuffle-tap-step in the middle of the infusion ward, but it will be a bonding morning. I'm looking forward to having him by my side for this not-so-fun event. Hopefully we can do some holiday planning and try to ignore what's really going on.

I'll keep you posted. Say a prayer. Thanks for all of your continued love and support. Six weeks to go...

Bald 2.0...

On September 9, 2008, I cut off my long hair. It was a ceremonial ladies night out of dinner, martinis, wine, laughs, and fun.

On November 18, 2009, I shaved off the 5 inches of hair it took me 11 months to grow. My husband's BFF was in town and brought over our favorite pizza. Once the kids were in bed, Rose brought out the fish haircut bib and clippers and chopped the mop as Col and Sid swept and vacuumed. No martinis. No drama. No photos. No antics. We just did it. They are amazing friends.

This morning, the pitter patter of little feet came in to our room. "She's bald, Cookie. She's bald." As my 7 year old and 4 year old petted and kissed my new doo, they loved me just the same. "Am I going to be bald when I'm a mommy?" As a tear rolled down my face I said, "No, Cookie, I pray you will never have to be bald."

My husband has been so supportive. As long as I have the love of my family and friends, and remind myself that this is just a temporary, I'll be OK. I'm sad and pissed and can't understand why I had to shave my head...again. But I am trying to dig deep, keep the faith, and remind myself that this too shall pass.

I don't really want to talk about it. Thanks to all of my loved ones for the text messages and emails and phone calls. The support is humbling. I'm trying to pep up, but this sucks.

*Sigh*

Wrapping My Head Around It All...

I am starting week 3, and have a renewed energy despite a twinge of funk that is still lingering. Mind over matter seems to help with that, coupled with a good night's sleep (finally!) I am still shocked that it has been over two weeks since I've had a latte. This, from a woman who had a daily Starbucks ritual. Even with just one chemo treatment under my belt, I have had a drastic change in my taste buds. Perhaps it's the 100 Dum Dum lollipops I've sucked on to hide the metallic taste in my mouth and alleviate my nighttime cough. But I find it so strange that many of my most favorite things -- wine, chocolate, lattes, Diet Cokes and Diet Ginger Ale-- no longer appeal to me. Those vices were not the healthiest choices...so I'll take it as a bonus. Well, except for the wine. I miss the evenings of opening a fine bottle of Pinot Noir -- and I am sure that I will find a way to squeeze that back in to my repotoire once this is all over! Afterall, it's no fun to go out for dinner with my husband or the ladies, and watch everyone drink wine while I say, "I'll have some hot tea." Lame. At least I can be a dependable designated driver for the holiday season. And come January, we can go out and celebrate this all being over...and take a cab!

I have impatient tendencies, so it's not ironic that I'm already looking at the finish line when I only have one of four chemo treatments under my belt. As I listened to some great music with my friends the other night, it occured to me that I only have 7 weeks left until chemo is done, and I have been dealing with this recurrence for 4 months. Actually, it's been an exhausting 16 months...so if I only have 7 weeks left, I'll take it. My November and December calendar is filling up with fun dates, holiday celebrations and fun activities. So while I have 7 weeks of crap left, there sure is a lot of fun mixed in there which makes it totally do-able. I say that now. I'm not sure how I'll feel in a little over a week when I'm bald and nauseated and flat out in my bed! Three weeks of yuck. Lots of fun. Yup, I can do this.

So...hair. Time to talk about the hair. Any day now the pixie dust will fall, and Rose will take clippers to my wild wavy almost-bob. It has taken me 11 months to grow 5 inches. (Yes, I got a ruler out and measured it.) I am grateful that it is very thick, and has potential of being beautiful again some day. But man, it's been a long 11 months of hair talk! I was feeling all confident the other day, and thought I would pre-emptively shave my head tonight. But now, as the day as arrived, my hair has yet to shed. I have shaken it and tugged on it and really not much is happening. So perhaps I'll hold on to it just a day or two more. I have promised Rose that I will not go "alley cat" on her again--in other words, I will not pull out my hair this time. That was one of the worst nights of my life last year. So, when the pixie dust starts to fall, I will call Rose and some of my friends who are on stand-by, and get it done. I really can't believe that I had to shave my hair last year. It was hard to cut off 8 12-inch braids, but at least it was donated to Locks of Love. But now, I have to shave it again?! Really?! It's a small price to pay for life I suppose. I'd rather be bald and alive...one step closer to a long, happy cancer-free life.

I am prepared for my bald head. Thanks to my pink ladies, I have new resources to make this phase bald and stylish. While I think I will be a wig fan again this time, I have ordered some beaubeaus from this great site http://www.4women.com. My girlfriend wore these and they are very sassy. I ordered three of them -- including the pink camo workout one. I've already prepared my trainer and some of the people at the gym that I do plan to come in bald. That will be hard for me, but hopefully it will empower me to know I'm doing everything I can to be healthy. And who really cares, anyway. (ha) I also ordered 3 new wigs from http://www.namebrandwigs.com. Last year I spent nearly $500 for each of my wigs. This site has the same name brand wigs (ha) for wholesale prices. Plus, you don't have to go in to creepy wig stores that overcharge you. I ordered a shorter bob, a medium cut, and a long curly style that mirrors what I still consider "my hair" even though it's been 14 months since it's been "my hair."

I've been trying on the scarves and wigs with my kids and husband so they can assimilate to my new look. The kids have really been amazing with it all. When I put on the long, curly wig, O said, "Mommy, you look so beautiful. It's like you cut your hair, and then glued it back on your head. You look like the old Mommy." That just made me smile. Cookie had fun trying on the scarves especially since she's a doo-rag queen after her pirate phase of Halloween. She looked like a mini-me as she put the ginger brown wig over her shiny golden locks. The more we talk about it and play with these new accessories, the more natural and "no big deal" they have been. They are not phased by my scars and seem fully prepared that "Mommy's medicine will make her bald again." I am so blessed to have these two amazing children who have proven to be so resilient. They are truly the best medicine and motivation.

My friends have been so supportive. The other day, two of my girlfriends asked me what I needed. I said, "More than anything I need walking buddies." So they came over and we walked, talked, and laughed for a couple of hours. When we got back to my house, I showed them my scarves. They modeled them for me, complete with my hoops and pink lip gloss. We took photos and they said if we ever go shopping, they'd be happy to wear scarves too so I wouldn't feel alone. It was such a fun morning. The other night, a gaggle of my second cousins came over to visit. They brought delicious pizza and good cheer. One of my cousins is a 30-something triple negative breast cancer survivor, and she has become one of my closest confidants. I brought out the wigs, and we all took turns trying them on. One of my cousins shaved his head down to a cue ball for me. I told him he was nuts! He said that I didn't have a choice in the matter and he didn't want me to be bald alone. How sweet is that? My uncle buzzed his head for me before, and it's just the most thoughtful thing anyone can possibly do. Not to mention that it generates a lot of questions, and I end up on prayer lists across the country! I'll take it!

Well, I'm off to enjoy a beautiful Sunday with my family. I will keep you posted on the hair situation, and promise not to pull it out when it starts to fall. Rose is on high alert standby with her new clippers, and it is my big promise to her -- "No Alley Cat."

Have a Great Day!

A Soccer Mom Saturday in Suburbia...

All the resting this week paid off big time. Not that it was really a choice! After over four days of nothing but rest, ignored rings of the phone, and neglected emails, I was able to enjoy a Friday night with my family. There is nothing like snuggling up with my 4-year old Cookie on the couch, singing our hearts out to the show tunes of High School Musical 2. When O came home from his play date and my husband got home from work, we rounded out the night with a family game of Wii bowling. After the week I had, it could not have ended better. No fine wine, no fancy dinner, but the best company a girl could ask for.

After a solid 9 hour slumber, I woke up this morning with a slight spring in my step. Finally the fog was lifting and I felt inspired to do the things many moms do in suburbia on a Saturday morning. Bake pumpkin bread. Unload the dishwasher. Order stuff online. Work on the Star of the Week poster with Cookie. Stop by CVS for the mega-sized bag of Dum Dums. (Side note: nothing gets rid of the metallic taste of chemo like a Dum Dum. :-) )Run to the dry cleaners. Make a Starbucks run to pick up my renewed favorite Skinny London Fog earl gray latte and a iced skinny latte for my hubby. (Side note: almost a week without java -- that's major!) Between basketball tryouts and soccer games, it was a full day for sure. I'm not sure if I was actually feeling better, or auto-pilot kicked in. It's these Saturdays in suburbia that give me the energy and fulfillment that I live for. Oh how times have changed!

I am glad that I was able to schedule chemo for Mondays. It seemed like a very long week, but the misery was worth it to be able to have some fun on the weekends with my family and friends. I'd rather be feeling like crap when my husband is at work and the kids are in school having fun with their friends and going along with their normal routine. We would not have made it through the week without our moms, my sister, and our friends. They checked on me, prepared meals, helped with the kids, and kept the machine running.

While I could not physically find the energy to answer the phone or reply to emails or texts, reading the messages and hearing the voice mails filled my heart with joy beyond belief. I have so many people who are supporting me and my family, and caring for us in the midst of their own chaotic lives. These are the same people who fought this battle with us less than a year ago. It was personal for us all last year, and even more so today. Last year was filled with fear of the unknown. This year is filled with strength, hope, and resolve to kick this beast once and for all and to move on.

Everyone's selflessness is humbling and reminds me to be a better person every single day. And to count my blessings, and give thanks. Whether it's helping the flustered mom with the screaming tot in a crowded Starbucks, or helping an elderly woman with her bags, every day presents itself to take time for random (or purposeful) acts of kindness.

I am hoping each day brings renewed strength from the inside out. Nearly one week down...eight to go.

Amen.

The Kitchen Sink, and Then Some...

When my oncologist said that they were going to throw the kitchen sink at me, I braced myself and knew I could handle whatever they threw my way. If I have to go through the mental and physical transformations of chemo, better make it strong and kick this cancer once and for all.

Whoa. So this is what the kitchen sink feels like? YIKES! Perhaps my mind has erased the six chemo treatments from less than a year ago. And I believe this too shall pass. But man, you know something is wrong when all I want to do is lay in my bed in a quiet, dark house. The only way I can begin to describe how I feel is this...take your worst day of first trimester morning sickness, add your worst hangover ever, suck on a rusty nickel and multiply that by ten...at least.

I know in a few days I'll be back on my feet and feeling like me again. Or at least that is the pep talk I keep telling myself. For the first time, I'm letting people help me and I'm not trying to be superwoman. My friends and family have gone overboard, and for that I am grateful.

Tonight I'm using this blog as an outreach. Many of you will no doubt be checking here tonight in hopes of finding an update. I just want you to know that I have read all of your emails, text messages and notes, and I have listened to all of your voice mails. And I am truly grateful and feel very loved and taken care of. I apologize if I have not yet responded -- it's just that I'm truly trying to rest so the little energy I have I can use for reading a story to my kids, helping with homework, and tucking them in. As soon as the fog lifts, hopefully in a day or so, I'll be back in touch. Thank you all for making me feel so loved and cared for. For those of you who have taken time out of your busy lives to help make my days a little easier, thank you. I have the best friends and the most amazing family a girl could possibly ask for.

I feel like crap, I feel like saying F You Cancer, and am just now realizing that denial is over, reality has set in, and this is all really happening again. But you know what? I just got to carry my two beautiful, healthy kids upstairs, say their bedtime prayers, kiss their smiling faces and tuck them in to bed. And that is what makes today...a Great Day.

Chemo 2.1: A Date With The Red Devil...

As I dropped my 4-year old, Cookie, off at pre-school, she hugged me and said, "Good luck at the doctor, Mommy. I will give you gentle pets later." She's been so darling. As I left the classroom, her amazing, seasoned teacher followed me out and opened her arms to give me a warm embrace and said, "Today's the day, right?" As I quickly scooted down the hall, I said, "Yes. I appreciate all you do, but no hugs, no tears. I'll be fine -- please pray for me and look after Cookie." My sister is also the Asst Director of the Center, and as my eyes met hers, I had to quickly look down and walk away. I knew any big hug from those I love would make it seem all too real that this is happening. So as I dashed out the door I sent her a text telling her how much I loved and appreciated her, but needed to stay strong for what awaited me.

As I arrived home, my sista Satchel was waiting for me. Sadly, she is a pro at being a chemo buddy. She sat by the side of her mother-in-law during her battle with breast cancer, and she was a rock for her family as she helped care for her young sister-in-law who battled leukemia for months. Last year, she came to 5 of my 6 chemo sessions, as well as countless appointments, and would not let me go with Plan A -- go to chemo alone. In the car we laughed, caught up, and headed over to CancerWorld...a place we are all too familiar with.

Last year, my chemo sessions lasted 4-5 hours, and we had prepared for this one to last about 2. Totally do-able. As we found our seat in the open room, we were seated next to a tall, young, 27-year old man with Lymphoma. He sat alone, and was getting a mega cocktail of 4 drugs including the Adriamyacin I was going to receive. I knew it would be just a matter of time before we started talking with him.

We had a wonderful, young, caring 27-year old chemo nurse today. She explained the side-effects of the drug, which I have heard of from many of my survivor friends who have already received the drug -- so no surprises. They call this drug "The Red Devil" -- so I, of course, felt the need to offer a visual for my dedicated readers. This is so toxic that the nurse has to hand push this very carefully in to my port.

She accessed my new port and I had my pre-meds via IV. She was preparing for the chemo and I asked her to wait, looked at Satchel, and said, "We can't start without the shuffle-tap-step!" So, with the true friend she is, she got up in the middle of the chemo infusion room and did her shuffle-tap-step. Everyone loved it and kind of looked at us like WTF. I said, "Oh, this is our ritual -- it's sort of a morning prayer. We always begins with the shuffle tap step." Oh, if only I could post the video! My kids got such a kick out if it tonight as they watched it over and over!

It took her about 35 minutes to hand push the Red Devil in to my IV. As she pushed, we started talking with the young 27-year old Lymphoma patient. We shared stories, kept him company, and offered him some head shaving lessons learned. He has beautiful, thick red hair. I broke out some of the photos on my iPhone and gave him a visual of what NOT to do when your hair starts to shed! I recommended he go to a barber this week and use a #2 or 3 clipper so he can get used to the crew cut. Then, when he feels it tingling to get it shave and do NOT pull it out. I think the picture spoke a thousand words! It was interesting to hear his perspective, coping mechanisms, and differences in what we have to face. We are both way too young to have cancer. But luckily, we both have good prognosises. I'm sure we'll see him again, and I will add him to my prayer list for sure.

By noon we were outta there, and headed to our usual spot for a quick lunch before I headed home to bed. I felt OK, but decided doing a little work in bed was fine. Before I knew it, I crashed and had a great power nap, only to be awakened by the delightful giggles of my kids and my mom. After a little home cooked food courtesy of my mom and a dear friend, we all headed up for some rest.

I really can't believe that I started chemotherapy again today. But the good news is that I'm 25% done! And it's not 11 weeks --- it's 9 weeks. I can do this. Want to know why? Because it is days like today where I feel more love than words can describe. Even this time around, when I have not been talking much about cancer, and have been playing it down, I received so many texts, emails, phone calls, etc. It is so uplifting, and one of the best medicines in healing is to know how loved you are, and to feel confident that whatever comes your way in life, it is the loved ones that are the ones who should be celebrated. How blessed am I?!

Our families have been amazing, and I am not sure how people who are alone do it. I think tonight I'll pray for the single mom with no help and no insurance who is faced with this beast. I'll give thanks for my health, my healing team, my friends and loved ones who I cherish, my extended family, and my immediate family. As I tucked in my kids tonight, swept the hair from their face, and gave them a kiss on their foreheads, I asked God to bless them. I pray for good health for their future...especially for Cookie. I pray she never has to face this beast. But I thank them for giving me every ounce of courage I need to kick a$$.

Finally off to rest. So far, so good. I have a feeling tomorrow will be rough. I am going to acupuncture tomorrow, so hopefully that zen time will be great.

Sweet dreams!

Bring It...

Another week has flown by with little thought of cancer. The giant elephant has been tucked away, overshadowed by laughter and denial that November 2 is fast approaching. For those that know me, it has been obvious that something is on the horizon. All of the closets in the house have been organized to the tee, there are new touches and accessories around the house. Not to mention, some delicious bottles of wine now lay empty in the recycling bin outside. :-)

Thursday was a day of mourning as we drove up to Maryland to pay respects to our dear friend's father who recently passed away. It was a sad day but also a day where a man who made such a difference in so many lives was celebrated. Funerals are a reminder that every day is an opportunity to make a difference. Every day is part of your legacy. And that life is short no matter how many years you are blessed to have on Earth, so live well, work hard, have fun, cherish your friends, and, above all, love your family.

We took the kids out for dinner that night and enjoyed some good family time. We continue to talk with them at a high level about what's about to take place, and they seem fully aware but unphased by the upcoming treatments and hair loss. They are very loved and grounded. Afterall, it's the second time around for them too, so they are pretty seasoned at this as well.

My husband and I enjoyed a nice date night on Friday night, followed by a Halloween party. Everyone had great costumes, and I just chuckled as the wigs itched the heads of my friends in disguise. I did not have it in me to dress up in a costume. I feel like the last year I've been in a costume, and I have a feeling it will be a while, if ever, that I put a wig on for fun.

Halloween night was a lot of fun. We are blessed to live in a small but fun neighborhood with many young kids and fun parents. My little Pirate Girl and Captain Rex followed friends in the neighborhood parade, and then off they went trick-or-treating. Needless to say our house is overflowing with candy. I need to find a good place to donate the candy to.

Yesterday evening, the text messages, emails and phone calls started pouring in. I can't begin to tell you how that uplifted me. Even without talking about it much, my loved ones knew what was on the horizon. As I looked on my calendar, I saw "November 2: Chemo. Location: CW" staring back at me, and the voice in my head kept saying, "that's tomorrow." Somehow it just doesn't seem real. My scar from my July surgery is nearly invisible. The burns from the 35 radiation sessions have healed. My port is in place, and is very inconspicuous. I have my energy back, and feel stronger than ever. My crazy hair can fit in to a 1 inch ponystump. I know in my heart I'm cancer free. We've been traveling and playing and working and enjoying life. Yet today, they will pump "The Red Devil" chemotherapy in to my veins. The minute the first red drop enters my vein, the hourglass flips, and the first grain of sand begins to fall. I can deal with fatigue and nausea. Go ahead, hit me by a truck. Throw the kitchen sink at me. But my hair? Ugh, my hair. I spent the first 35 years with pretty amazing hair, and just now as it's growing back, I'll have to shave it. Again. Really? I appreciate it when people admire my short locks, but unless you shave your head you have no idea how it feels. The good/bad news is I now have many young, beautiful survivor friends who have done the deed, and now they are more beautiful than ever from the inside out.

After our family Sunday dinner last night, my son went to my mom's for a little slumber party.Today is a teacher work day, and I was not sure I'd be able to hug my mom before I left for chemo. Last year, hugging her before I left for my first treatment was by far one of the most emotional mornings. So I figured it be best if I let them go off and have some fun, and avoid some tears this morning. It was tough to say good-bye to my husband who just left on a plane for a work trip for the next 3 days. I know it's hard for him to be away for this first round.

Now, as I enjoy this quiet morning snuggled in bed with my 4 year old, Cookie, I am reminded that I can have the strength to do this all...again. My family means the world to me and I would fight the biggest dragon with my bare hands to get rid of this beast once and for all. This is all bigger than me, so once again I turn to God, and dig deep to find faith in His divine plan. I'm not sure why this is happening to me, again, but I have to believe that there is a great purpose, and I have to be confident in that. I know I have a long life ahead of me, and once again believe with all my heart that this is not my story, just a chapter somewhere in the middle. Life is not about hair or beauty. It's about living well, giving back, working hard, having fun, cherishing your friends, and, above all, loving your family.

We can do this. Time to face the reality. Satchel will be here shortly to make sure I actually get off the elevator on the 4th floor of CW. If anything, I'll look forward to some kind of antics, laughter, and a shuffle-tap-step in the infusion ward. Are they ready for us?

Today I'm borrowing a quote from Mother Teresa...

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."

And, despite a date with The Red Devil, today IS a great day. I got to kiss my loved ones, and it's one day closer to putting this CRAP behind us one and for all.

Thanks to all of you for loving me so. We can do this...